November 29

My What-If Life

“Adoption is a lifelong journey. It means different things to me at different times. Sometimes it is just a part of who I am. Other times it is something I am actively going through.”
― Kelly DiBenedetto, 

I am constantly feeling like I don’t know who I truly am. Being adopted was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me- but it it also plagues me with dread.

Who am I really? Who was I supposed to become if I wasn’t adopted?

I have a whole life that is hidden from me, locked away and covered with ‘what ifs’ and ‘what could have been’. I am still tied to that identity through frayed strings. Each day, they decay a little more, causing me to drift further away from my what if life. It is a life so distant yet so close.

My adoptive parents are my real parents to me- they have been with me since birth and have shaped me fully into the person that I am today. I learned about their family traditions and all about their family history and where they came from. My mother was an immigrant; she was born in Scotland and moved to Canada when she was a teenager. I thought that this was the coolest thing ever, she was more than just Canadian, she had a different accent and traditions than the people that lived in Canada their whole life.

I envied her for that.

I spent most of my life thinking that I was just Canadian- there was nothing special about my lineage, nothing that was worth talking about. It took thirteen years for my parents to finally tell me that I was actually First Nations and Mi’kmaq. I was brought up with stereotypes of First Nations- how they were alcoholics and lazy, the ideas being fed into me since I was old enough to reason. They hid it from me out of embarrassment of thinking that I would turn out like ´them´ if I truly knew who I was. But, I did not.

Now, I struggle with who I truly am. Genetically, I am one thing. But culturally, I am another. I was never influenced by my Mi’kmaq side and it haunts me every day that I can never truly learn about the traditions and who I could have been if I had been taught about it. It is my secret life, a different part of me that could have been, and wanted to be.

I know that when I am older and living on my own, I want to learn more about that culture. I want to be amerced in a life that will embrace me and make me feel like I truly belong. I can never know what my true identity is without being subjected to my what if life.

Category: Paxton | 2 Comments on My What-If Life
November 27

What Is My Identity?


 

I find I struggle easily with the simple sounding question, “Who am I? What is my identity?” however for me it is not as simple. I struggle to find a general description of my identity because I’m not sure exactly who I am yet. I can look around at nearly anyone and I feel like they have their life figured out, they know their heritage and what they celebrate or how they live and what kind of person they are. I don’t understand anything close to that about myself and so I feel like I’m still on a journey of self discovery.

When asked this question and no idea what to relate it to, my first instinct is a historical answer. I understand everyone has some heritage that may come from across the world or maybe it comes from the same country. I always thought I was just a regular Canadian born and raised in Calgary, however I learned that is not the case when it comes to family history. On my Mother’s side of the family, they date back generations to where they lived in Poland and from there I learned I had a Polish heritage. On my Father’s side I believe there were traces of Scottish history and I had no idea any of these facts existed for years of my life. I still don’t know much about the specifics of my heritage, I really only understand it exists and it is a part of my identity now. We even have a family crest I never knew about until it was explained to me and the great travels my great grandparents would make to come to Canada.

Nowadays I still feel lost when it comes to the question, “Who am I?” but I do not feel like it is a question I should rush myself to answer. My life is a journey of self discovery and I still have plenty of time to figure out who I am as a person and what my identity is. I have a better understanding of my history, and I am excited to see what else I learned in the distant future. Either way I’m happy with the kind of person I’ve turned out to be so far, and I’m ready to see what is out there for me.

 

Category: Autumn, Sept 2018 | 2 Comments on What Is My Identity?
November 22

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

“Watch what they do not what they say.”
-Randy Pausch

At times, people say things and make promises they do not intend on keeping. You can make as many claims as you want, but as long as your actions do not coincide with your words, your words do not hold much value. To some people, words are nothing but an assemblage of sounds put together by the tongue. The behavior, the actions, of a person are what truly put value into the words delivered. The quote, “Watch what they do not what they say”, by Randy Pausch, is simply spoken to lay light upon the fact that, what one does, is of greater significance, and shows their real intentions and feelings than what they preach about out of their mouth.

There are moments when it can be difficult for people to express their emotions through words, and the most they are capable to do is convey their feelings through actions. The emotions one may be experiencing, could be so powerful and overtaking their ability to communicate their feelings, that their words could express what they want to vocalize. The only option they have left is to “show” what they want to say. An example of this scenario could be walking down the street and spotting a homeless person. The immediate empathy and concern for them in one’s heart can easily be expressed through their words. But the interpretation of their worry can truly be understood when they take action to help the homeless person. It would be effortless for someone to go up to the homeless person and let them know how sorry they are for them. What difference would that make in the homeless person’s life? The significance of letting someone know you sympathize them is close to nothing when your words do not hold enough authority to make a change. Similarly, if after spotting a homeless person, one were to go up to them and hand them some money or provide them with necessities they do not have access to, would mean so much more rather than just letting them be aware of your solicitude towards them.

I have experienced the unfaithfulness of words directly through one of my own family members. As much as it stings, the reality is, people, do not always turn out to be who they say they are. Life has led me to a path of making choices that personally make me the happiest, but they are also what my faith and religious values conflict with. Acting in accordance with what makes me happy, is a choice I make every day, and that requires me to conceal my actions from a few people. These people are my family. They mean the most to me, but I can not imagine the sadness they would experience if they were to come to terms with my daily practices. Knowing all of this, and also valuing my happiness, puts me in a tough spot most times. Sick of hiding what makes me happy from my family, one day, I chose to let my cousin know about what I had been hiding from everyone. I confided in her and assumed I would have her support. After I let her know about everything, she told me I was committing a sin, doing what I was doing by itself, and also by hiding something so major from my family. I was very disappointed after the conversation her and I had and was even more agitated than before. A few days later, I was relieved when my cousin let me know that my secret was safe with her. What still bothered me and made me feel defeated was when I realized I still did not have her support. Later, after a few weeks, I came across some people that knew my cousin, they informed me about her whereabouts, and how she had been doing similar things as what she had criticized me for earlier. I was distraught after finding out that my cousin, the same person who was making me feel ashamed for the choices I was making, was the one who was in the same boat as me.

That day, I truly realized how much louder one’s actions speak than their words. I realized how the way one behaves should be held accountable rather than what they claim through what they say. All of this, since, people want to say whatever they can and portray themselves as whomever they want. When in actuality, their true self shines through when their actions are put to test, and how they behave is taken into regards rather than the professions of their personality.

 

Category: Waniya | 1 Comment on Actions Speak Louder Than Words
November 8

Complete Love

As a human being, we can not understand everything that each individual goes through, know their life experience.  Yet we can love each other. We love the connections we have in relationships. We love our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, family, friends, lovers. These relationships can be with any human, creature, animal, or thing. The attachment of those subjects have a meaning to us and make it so much more important. The love we develop for them more powerful than the need for complete understanding

“We can love completely what we cannot completely understand”

A while ago, I went to my friend’s house for a  visit. As I walk in the door, this great big Bernese comes charging to the door. Me being me, I squealed from excitement for I love dogs. “Hi there buddy!” I rubbed his big furry head. He seemed so content in that moment. Wynston (my friend’s dog) and I became inseparable. The entire time I was there, Wynston followed me through the house. At one point while sitting down, he rests his head on my knee, moving around trying to get me to rub his head. I developed this sudden attachment to him. All I wanted to do was lay with the big pup. Wynston was not like any dog I have ever met. He was a calming presence, never barking, or showing any sign of aggression. I wanted to take this dog home with me for I have just fallen in love with him. Yet he was a completely different species. I did not know what he was thinking, feeling, what colour he saw the world, how he thought or viewed me. I did not understand what everything Wynston has experienced through life, let alone knowing his story.  All I knew is that he treated me with kindness.

The aftermath of this event had me come to terms that trying to understand every single thing in the world is merely impossible. That I should just look at the beauty of all things for what they are. For how can I understand the life experiences that for example, my mother had. I am not her. She is different, yet I love her because she makes me grow as a person, and I know that she will always be there for me. The connection we have, how we let ourselves become open to others, is how we develop the love for each other.

So as an individual, I will always try to understand someone. It is my human nature, but I will also accept that I need to take a step back and just let people be people, animals be animals, and the world be the world. To accept that even though I may not understand your pain, I may love a person for going through it, because it makes them who they are today. We can love completely, what we cannot completely understand.

 

Category: Masha | LEAVE A COMMENT
November 6

“Why is it the people who need the most help… won’t take it”

“There’s nothing you can do to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves”

~unknown

Help. Something that everyone needs once in a while yet always comes the day where individuals have to face there lives on there own as a learning opportunity that will guide them through the rest of their lives and ultimately become a part of their identity. People say that help is not something to be ashamed of, but often individuals forget that help is also something individuals shouldn’t become heavily dependant on. When an individual is experiencing hardship in their life and they continuously deny the help of others, sometimes it is necessary to allow them to help themselves. Although it may be difficult to leave loved ones on their own to face their hardships by themselves it is important that individuals learn to be strong for themselves before they get help from others. When individuals experiencing hardship deny help from others it is often seen as a sign of their desire to not be helped but what if it’s actually a sign of their need for alone time, some time to think their life over alone without anyone else’s opinion blocking their own thoughts.

I strongly believe that individuals are often underestimated for how much they can take on their own. I am the type of individual who doesn’t deal well with the help of others, in fact, at times others medalling in my business makes things more difficult for me. Often society misunderstands individuals denying help as a sign of them not wanting to “get better” or prosper in their lives. But society also often doesn’t recognize that not all individuals need help at all times. The most common saying that society uses also happens to be the one they forget about the most and that is that individuals learn from their mistakes. I feel that individuals that deny help from others begin a journey of self-discovery and self-healing.

When I was at the age of thirteen I lost my lovely grandmother, I still remember how heavy my heartfelt when my father held me tightly in his arms and stood silent, I knew that the man I had never seen express any sign of sadness wasn’t hugging me so tight for me but for himself, he needed that to stay strong. My heart was shattered at the fact that I had lost my grandmother and that my father had lost his mother and was experiencing such measures of sorrow. I think that I took a lot of sympathy pains from my father. I remember being constantly asked if was okay and the truth is that I wasn’t okay and I didn’t want people to sympathize with me or to tell me everything was going to be okay- I didn’t want peoples help. I knew that death was something that was inevitable and I knew that my grandma died a peaceful death but I just needed time to talk myself through it. My silence was never meant to be silence It was just spending time lost in my thoughts and thinking of how many amazing life lessons she taught me. I took time to heal but I eventually did heal and I learned a very important life lesson and that was that life is something very precious and I should enjoy every day with those I love. I feel like I learned to heal on my own from my father because after his mother died he didn’t cry he was just silent and quiet for a few days and then he was back to normal. I can understand why people might consider it unhealthy to not talk to anyone when going through hardship but I feel differently. I feel that individuals are capable of healing and coping on their own because it is necessary for individuals to learn that skill and implement it in all aspects of their lives. At the end of the day although others thought that I didn’t want to help myself the truth was that their perception was preventing them from understanding my need to heal and mend myself back together without the “help” of others.

Today, I learn my lessons on my own whether it is to the point of no return or not I learn a lesson and I implement it in my life. I feel like everyone is different individuals heal and cope differently but I know myself and I can only help myself. The idea of gaining help from others is often overlooked and often people see failure or hardship and immediately associate it with help rather than learning from the hardship its self the best analogy to demonstrate my perspective would be that of a baby learning to walk as they stumble and fall they grow stronger, so if they constantly rely on the help of others their body and muscles will never learn to support them.

Category: Sept 2018, Shanza | 4 Comments on “Why is it the people who need the most help… won’t take it”
November 3

First Fig

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!

Edna St. Vincent Millay, 1892 – 1950

Burning the candle at both ends. Seems to be foolish to many, but raises the ears of thrill seekers. One may argue that burning both ends is not practical, others would support the fact that the light which radiates, assists a countless crowd. Burning both ends means to live. It means to not let society’s opinions restrict you from feeling satisfied. Not letting anyone’s opinion affect your own train of thought. No one is guaranteed to live the coming day so acting upon your own wishes should be every individual’s only concern.

I am the type of individual who craves to light the other end of the candle. Living every day as it is my last, aspiring to learn as much I am capable of, enjoying a daily dose of adrenaline. By lighting that other end of the candle, you double the output of light. You help anyone you interact with, see the path which they never took into account. You spread positivity among others, which slowly spreads, like a domino toppling over causing the next to fall. I was forced to recognize the true importance of life, realizing that we don’t have an infinite time on this planet.

In 2015, I lost my grandfather. This was the first loss of someone close to me that I witnessed in my whole life. It wasn’t all of a sudden – we knew that his cancer was spreading and would eventually get him; although he was diagnosed a year before his passing, it felt like a short few days had passed. I never before realized how quickly time can pass. I remember sitting with my grandfather, while he was showing me his old stuff like his tape recorder and other treasures of his – and he talked to me about his life. He told me about how he was happy that he had done mostly everything he wanted to in his time and how I should never hold back from doing as I please. He reminded me how each and every individual will eventually not be capable to do the things we once promised we would when we get older. This was the spark of the lighter that lit the other side of my candle. I had a moment of realization that at this age I am able to do as I wish with little restrictions. Once I am old, I won’t be able to do half the things on my bucket list and I refuse to live with regret.  I need to live life to the fullest because I eventually won’t wake up the next day. When I remember my grandfather, I always remember these talks that we would have and I feel blessed that I was able to spend years with him. Although we never truly met eye-to-eye in all situations he taught me certain life lessons which now I see in action – and burning my candle at both ends helps me to remember him and embrace the life and opportunities I have now.

Individuals are not always able to see the importance of lighting both ends. They may have not been faced in a situation that causes a point of understanding. Or, it could be that they know too well. Being an individual who is in favor of lighting both ends, I seem to forget that I’m burning quicker than I should be. My parents who are more mature and knowledgeable than I am, know that burning your candle from both ends for too long will leave you with less wax than you expected. That wax is a symbol for life, and your parents are there to make sure you live as long as possible. The limitations we experience, are our parents controlling our flame and the rate of melting our wax to ensure we are able to experience all of life.

As I grow, I am learning how to control my own flame, yet both ends are lit. I can give off a beautiful radiating light and whilst having enough wax to help more than one person.

 

 

 

Category: Rohit, Sept 2018 | 3 Comments on First Fig
November 2

Finding Myself

When a child is born they are taught values and principles. Do this, do that, don’t do that. You constantly hear this over and over again. Your parents or primary guardians teach you the skills you need to be a part of society. Their habits influence your habits; their words become your words. You grow up and use these teachings to shape your own character. But, there comes a time where your values become cloudy and distorted by societal expectations and influences. Being the youngest child of three, my values are constantly being influenced by my siblings and values are constantly changing as a senior in high school. Like my parents, both my brother and sister have had an influence on me, teaching me from their experiences and helping me to clear the way to seeing my true values and beliefs again.

“Focus on yourself, make choices yourself, believe in yourself.” – My older brother

From the time I was born, my brother has always been a role model for me. His behaviour would influence mine; his likes and dislikes as well. My most memorable teachings from my older brother all came from a time of seriousness. It would just be him and me sitting or standing usually leading to an argument mostly because I was stubborn to understand that he was telling me from his own experiences.One day, as we were deep in an argument, he told me the quote above. I never really focused on it mostly cause I was angry; but, I grew older this vary quote shaped me and who I am today.

“Find what your passion is and pursue that.” – My Older Sister

Who knew sisters could be so insightful. Everything she has taught me in life has surprisingly helped me to grow into my own shoes. Stressed as any student in their senior year would be, I’ve recently been scrambling to find my purpose in life and because of my sister I’ve been able to determine my passion and find what I want to do. All this is because of what is summarized by this quote above. It is from this, her quite insightful but dreadful explanation on how to pick a career, that I am now excited to come to school and persevere to make sure I reach my goals.

The reason I’ve found myself today is all because of them. They are the very reason I am who I am. All my life I grew up watching them and all their teachings helped me find myself.These two quotes from them will always be remembered by me. If your ever looking for advice, believe me I have experience, ask you siblings. You may be surprised with the advice they give you despite all the fights you may get into.

 

Category: Sept 2018, Uncategorized, Zaafir | 1 Comment on Finding Myself