Hurt, Pain, and Heartbreak
Finished up every ounce of dinner in under 10 minutes just so I could rush to bed. I laid out my clothes, said my prayer thanking The Lord for today and praying that tomorrow would be even better, then went to bed. The next morning consisted of me dragging my mother out the door so I could hurry up and start my first day of grade seven. I had just gotten out of elementary school where life was limited to the walls of the school. Now, I was in middle school, things were going to be different. I promised myself that. I worked all summer to create this new, better, more confident version of myself that I was almost one hundred percent certain that people would love. Kissed my mother goodbye and walked through those big front doors. Then, I didn’t know that behind those big front doors were going to be some of the worst years of my life. Foolishly, I walked into my own nightmare.
First day everyone was nice. I was one of the earliest people there so I stood awkwardly until I could find absolutely any face I could possibly recognize. Soon, some of my best friends came and we were ready to take on anything that this next chapter had to offer. But, that ended very quickly when we realized we were all separated into different homerooms, still, I maintained that smile. My morning classes went well but I was waiting for lunch just so I could get back into my comfort zone. While waiting in line for food I came across one of the most beautiful faces I have ever seen. Every feature of his seemed to light up immediately. He was mixed with many races causing him to have the most beautiful bright blue eyes that would light up on their own but against his darker caramel skin tone those blue eyes were everything. Height was no problem for him, he was extremely tall, but to top it all off he had curly brown hair. I was positive I was in love.
I spent the first couple of years of middle school obsessing over him, without saying a word to him. Eventually we began talking and I learned that there was way more to him then I thought. I started to fall hard and quick, him the same. Things went well for the first year, I made it clear that I wasn’t ready to date yet and that I wanted to wait. That seemed like a good plan except for the fact that we had two different definitions of waiting. To me waiting meant getting to know each other until we felt ready. To him, waiting meant he would date as many girls as he could because he knew at the end of the day he had someone and that was the only real thing. I spent years having my worth be defined by his actions. But the common case for every girl was that we would stick with our guy no matter what happened, so I did. I made excuses for him and myself.
Around my last year of middle school we started dating and that was amazing, for the 2 and a half months it lasted. I didn’t know what being a girlfriend was and he for sure didn’t know how to give a girl respect. That mixed together, on top of his extremely judgmental friends, and the mutual friends we did share all resulted in creating the worst next years of my life. I was constantly harassed for that year and even into my first year of high school. Rumors of course became an everyday thing for me. The worst day though, was Valentine’s Day. I didn’t think anything bad was going to happen to me that day, if anything I expected it to be a good day because I thought my ex and his friends would be occupied enough by their own lives to not be bothered with mine. My day was going well, everyone was happy, I still couldn’t say I was happy but I felt something for that I haven’t felt in a while, peace. On top of feeling this rediscovered feeling. Someone actually sent me flowers with a card, on Valentine’s Day. I never felt like boys desired me anymore after I had already been involved with someone, so this event to me was awesome. Being presented the flowers in front of my class also wasn’t too bad. I opened them up proudly because these flowers meant that someone cared for me. With a huge smile I began to read the leader, it was a list, about things that my secret admirer absolutely hated about me. There was no secret about who the person was behind this list. Still, I maintained a smile on my face because I knew people were watching. No matter how big my fake smile was, it couldn’t hide the hurt, pain, and heartbreak that my tears showed. The bell rang after what seemed to be 4 hours. I quickly grabbed my things so I could catch the first bus that came because nothing would make them feel better than waiting for the next bus with me so they could enjoy their masterpiece. Of course, I missed the first bus. I stood there waiting for them to come. They didn’t acknowledge me at first which made me thing for just a second that maybe there was another group of people out there who hated me.