December 19

Never Shall I Forget This Last Goodbye

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Never shall I forget that night, the night at home

Which turned into many worrisome hours and tragic minutes.

 

Never shall I forget my father’s voice telling me that my grandma is in the hospital.

Never shall I forget the worry that came over me as I lay in my bedroom in the dark, which felt darker after those words were spoken to me.

 

Never shall I forget that anxiety that engulfed me.

Never shall I forget the sound of the ticking clock slowly getting louder.

Never shall I forget the heat that rushed through my body while my heart began to race

Never shall I forget the tears forming in my eyes thinking to myself that my grandma will leave me tonight

Never shall I forget the taste of dryness and worry that filled my mouth

 

Never shall I forget the next morning when I found out she was gone

Never shall I forget the many faces that came to my house that day

Never shall I forget the courage I had to muster in order to tell my best friend

Never shall I forget the countless tears that were shed that day

Never shall I forget the sound of prayers being played in the background

 

Never shall I forget her and the way she used to care for everyone

Never shall I forget the fact that she didn’t suffer

Never shall I forget that she didn’t ask anyone for anything

Never shall I forget the values she instilled into my mom and how my mom now passes these onto me and my siblings

 

Never shall I forget that night, the night at home

February 28, 2016

 

Purpose:

I chose to write this piece because it was a very tragic event that happened in my life and I wanted to share how I felt during this time. It was so sudden, so there were lots of emotions and they are hard to explain but I wrote this poem in order to hopefully explain the feelings and emotions that were felt during this time. My grandma was not sick, she just fell down at home and that was it. Everything was fine but then this happened all so fast that there was no time to explain. This is probably why the feelings that I felt were so strong and why my memories about it are so clear in my mind. This piece is also to honor her and thank her for the life she lived and the people she influenced. 

December 17

Nostalgia Never To Be Forgotten

 

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Emulated from Elie Wiesel’s Never WIll I Forget from the novel Night

 

Never shall I forget the day that something unexpected happened in my family. This was the day where I felt something did not feel right. This story began two years ago…the day I lost my uncle.

 

Never shall I forget the phone call that I had with my dad on the bus while coming home from school. The tone that he was talking in made me realize that there was something strange happening. When I asked if everything was okay he said yes. All my father mentioned was that he was busy at work and will talk to me later. Deep down inside I felt that something terrible had happened, but I just could not figure out what it was.

 

Never shall I forget how my dad barged into the house with a look of despair on his face. He told me, “Brother passed suddenly…” These words coming out of my dad’s mouth did not seem to connect or feel real at first. When I read the truth of emotions on his face, I knew this really was happening. That shock from my dad’s words felt like a bullet that pierced my soul. Everything in my head just froze. My father pulled up the picture from his phone that was taken of him two months before and I instantly broke into tears. It felt like everything was finished. Our family thread, which was so strong, snapped. 

 

Never shall I forget the guilt I felt when I didn’t think of calling him once, just to hear his voice for the last time. I talked to my grandmother that night to let her know that I found out about the news. She told me that he had gone for a check-up at the hospital to see if everything was alright. My uncle had called her the night before he died saying that everything was alright and that he will be discharged the next day after his bronchoscopy check-up. My uncle’s wife had called my grandma the next morning saying, “Your son is no longer in this world. The doctors mistakenly punctured his lung during the check-up process. They tried everything to revive him, but it was too late.” My grandma was crying so much that her words were no longer comprehensible. All I heard was hysterical crying and sniffles before she disconnected the phone. 

 

Never shall I forget this moment that I truly felt a loss. I was questioning God as to why this happened and what wrong our family has done that you punished us like this. I was trapped in a battle within myself about faith and delusion. I was getting disconnected from my faith, but at the same time reviving my optimism by saying that there is a purpose to this and perhaps a test from God. 

 

Never shall I forget the memories we spent, the legacy he left behind, and the hearts he touched. 

Never shall I forget this night, December 13, 2017.

Rest In Peace Farid Uncle.  

 

Purpose:

I wrote this piece to pay tribute to my uncle who passed away two years ago. Farid Ramji worked very hard all his life to fulfill his dreams of becoming a doctor and specialized in pediatric radiology. From all my father’s eight siblings, he was the one who had the most perseverance and was dedicated to his profession considering the fact that he was born in a hamlet in Africa with limited education facilities. He was also a professor at the University of Oklahoma medical center. He inspired a lot of people, including me and his two children who are also both doctors. While writing this piece, I was reliving the flashbacks that had happened and the memories that are forever treasured in my mind. I have put a lot of thought into this piece as I always think of him many times. Whenever I would succeed in my challenges, I would always feel his presence around me. My uncle has become my source of strength whenever I have nowhere else to turn towards. I pray that he is happy and continues to shine his light on our family from heaven.  

 

December 15

Never shall I forget-Option C

Never shall I forget when you would tell us stories

Never shall I forget when I would go into your briefcase and steal the candy that was in there.

Never shall I forget the time when I had someone who was as loud as me.

Never shall I forget When we would talk, laugh and scream at the top of our lungs

Never shall I forget  your voice, your face, your personality

Because sometimes people say that I am like you in a way

Always smiling, laughing and especially always being the loud one.

I love being loud.

Because it was a way for me to be close to you

 Never shall I forget you when I’m screaming at the top of my lungs

Never shall I forget the day when you left this earth

And I cried

I cried because my best friend left me. 

I cried because he wasn’t coming back

Never shall I forget the beautiful soul that I was lucky enough to call my grandfather.

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January 18

There is beauty in the struggle

Love Yours

Artist: J cole

Album: 2014 Forest Hills Drive

Released: 2014

Genre: Hip hop/rap

J cole released a song called ” Love Yours” in his 2014 Forest Hills Drive album. He talks about how individuals all across the world struggle in their own way.

If I asked you right now, “What do you love?” How long would it take for you to respond with “myself”.

Why we feel like we are not good enough? How do society’s standards and people’s judgment alter out thinking to believe that we are no good.

I remember scrolling down on facebook to see this post that read, ” There’s only good and bad people in this world.” That left to think how we become bad. And I don’t think I have found an answer yet, but what I know is everyone is capable of bring goodness into this world. Every one of us have the power to inflict positive change, to test society’s standards and question people’s judgement.

There’s only one semester left in our last year of high school. And no matter where we all end up in a few months for now…

I hope failure doesn’t make you give up on your goal

I hope loving someone with your heart and soul doesn’t end up hurting you.

I hope you find your dreams and chase them.

I hope you find strength in your bones.

I hope you live your life the way you want, no what others expect of you.

I hope you allow yourself to be free to the good and bad.

“There’s a lot of roller coaster’s life will try to put you on, and I pray you realize you don’t have to get on one single up and down ride, you don’t have to listen to anybody or the tricks they try. Your intuition is always enough to get you by.” – Clayton Jennings

” I hope you live sold out and push life to the limit.” – Clayton Jennings

“People throw rocks at things that shine, don’t let negative nobodies purchase property in your mind.” – Clayton Jennings

“People throw rocks at things that shine, don’t let negative nobodies purchase property in your mind.” – Clayton Jennings

“Stay care free and dance through life like freedom is your middle name.” – Clayton Jennings

 

 

January 3

Illusions

 

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       It is very important for an individual to recognize danger in people they surround themselves by in order to live a life they know they are worthy of.  Illusions represent what is recognized in a way that is different from the way it is in reality. Often times we get conflicted whether to believe words or the actions of others.The words of others are a symbol of who they want to be and how they want to act. Words can also be saying something someone desires to hear for the sake of keeping faith in you. Whereas actions, represent who they truly are. It is in our nature to keep the hope we have for one another because we know of their potential and their capability of goodness.This is strongly depicted in the novel, Glass Castle, where Jeanette’s development from childhood to adulthood slowly made her realize that the blueprints and the floor plan for the Glass Castle, that  her father constantly talked about was nothing more than a dream based on her own illusions about her father.  Throughout the book Jeanette thought of illusions as just illusions then, to see how thing really are and finally to disillusionment.

 

       On the constant move to finding home, Jeanette begins to hint signs of a ‘well caring family’ when she is brought to the hospital from catching on fire while making hot dogs at an early age. Rex takes her daughter out of the hospital against medical advice worrying about hospital bills and believing that he could take care of her. Jeanette’s father takes out the blueprint time to time, promising Jeanette and her siblings that he will one day make it for him. The glass castle is a representation of how Rex wants to live- self sufficiently. So when Rosemary and Rex are dependable anymore, Jeanette is left taking up the parent role for the younger siblings. Due to Jeanette being exposed to the action of skedalling and leaving a place when things tend to not make sense, Jeanette finds herself leaving her home in New York and leaving her husband because she did not feel comfortable with her environment- a reflection of her parents actions. Being caught up in the love she has for her father, Jeanette was put into vulnerable situations where she had to learn for herself when enough is enough.

       Jeanette’s illusion of the Glass Castle is broken when her father asks her to put the garbage in the lot they cut out for the Glass Castle. Keeping in mind, Jeanette  has a soft spot in her heart for her father. So, when Rex Walls- the father asks for money that Jeanette had been saving for food, she gives it to him knowing he will spend in on alcohol.  She does this because Rex told her to “always believe in her ol’ man”. Along with telling her that the hope she has for him to mend his ways will help him get better. Rex puts Jeanette in a vulnerable situation knowing she will pick him over and over again. Her father tried to keep the hope she had for him by pulling out the blueprint of the Glass Castle and promising to one day build it for her. That is when she realizes how things really are. He gave her false hope which slowly, made Jeanette realizes the difference between an individual’s  words and actions. Jeanette takes her siblings and moves to New York but her relationship with her parents remains ambivalent. Realization cannot be measured using time, an individual who was constantly fed lies and false hope, will, soon than later, realize the difference between the words and actions when actions become visible through constant disappointments.

 

       After building a life in New York for herself, Jeanette steps down when her university class questions what she knows about struggle. Also, when Jeanette was in a taxi driving to a party she sees her home going through the garbage, making Jeanette go back home because both of these signs remind her of her past. An individual’s past affects them because they in fear of their past haunting them, especially if that individual tried to escape it and is now, all of a sudden struck by it. Also, by this time, Jennette can appreciate the fire incident because she can think about it on a more intellect level. Also, after living in poverty to creating a new life for herself, she can proudly and confidently say that possession does not stop anyone from living a good quality life. The actions of her parents forced her to move away and look out for her own well being for personal security. After a meet up before Rex passes away from cancer, Jeanette is not filled with hate towards her parents. She remains calm, and still decides to help out. Maybe that is the reason why Rex always made sure the family felt connected by giving them something to look forward to and maybe that is the reason Jeanette turned out the way she did. Indirectly, Rex showed he, through the representation of the Glass Castle  that there is goodness waiting for her, which I believe was the most important factor in her running away.

 

       It is easily to be fooled between people’s actions and words, but by time we realize and learn from people’s actions. Sooner or later we realize and learn from giving people chances, from that we make the decision to hold on longer or leave. Jeanette would not have ended up the way she is if her parents did not act the way they did- without facing disbelif, Jeanette would not be able to handle her hardships in a sensible manner. Jeanette has great strength to have gone through her parents chaos, and turn all her problems into blessings- influencing her to take a stand for herself. 

 

 

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December 29

I am a Sunflower

     

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From the book ‘The Sun and her Flowers’ by Rupi Kaur

       The well-known writer, Rupi Kaur, published her book, ‘the sun and her flowers’ again, spreading awareness of how self-love and the importance of investing time in ourselves for human growth and development. For Rupi, writing is a way where she can take a moment to listen to her soul and voice and respond in a kindly way, assuring her that it is not only her who may, at some point, feel a kind of way. Through her adolescence experiences, she was able to inspire people including myself to find our voice. Her words have touched many young individuals who are left feeling isolated from the world due to their misunderstanding of how to cope with reality.

 

       This poem depicts a strong representation of how life will go on no matter what is going on around you, even if all you want at that moment is for life to pause and be alone to thoroughly understand what has happened and how to react to it. We shouldn’t limit ourselves to how much we can endure, in fear of not making it to the end; because as life pushes us we become stronger and if you are able to push yourself- you will survive. At the end, things might work out for us and even if they don’t- through the hustle of trying to get a grip of ourselves, life will give us a new perspective on the way we think about a particular experience. Once we overcome uncomfortable experiences we come back stronger than ever with more knowledge and strength integrated into us. After an individual is struck by reality, self abandonment is the key to heal and grow resulting in an individual to realize that they will never reach their fullest potential; their potential will keep on evolving.

 

       Young flowerheads are most likely facing the sun, when they bloom, they face east. I like to think of myself as a young sunflower. I haven’t completely lost my innocence that I always had as a young child but I do believe that some of my innocence has been replaced with fear. Fear of being alone, left behind, not cared for and most importantly denial. I know a lot of people including myself who don’t take denial well. Denial as in feeling like i’m not enough and I have qualities that I lack. That is what I am scared of, giving my all to people who can replace me without any hesitation. Because the people that allow you to be so happy are the same people who are preparing to take something from you. I am scared of giving it my all, seeing the potential of who they can be and sticking by them through better or worse even if that means putting myself out their and unknowingly giving them the permission to take my love and my spirit for granted.

 

       And once you realize that, why is that not a good enough reason to leave them? Why does it feel like everything you have ever believed in is not true? How do you differentiate between real and fake. Why did this happen so soon? What happened all of a sudden?

What signs did I not recognize? What qualities do I lack?

 

       How come I couldn’t make you happy? What don’t I have that she has?

 

       And at that moment I convinced myself that each and everything in my world was you, nothing else mattered.

 

       I was wrong for that- wrong for believing that everything that happened between us was because of me. I don’t compare myself with her anymore because one year of isolation, one year of forcing myself to get up each morning- struggling to keep breathing was hard and I believe after a couple months I had adjusted to that lifestyle with no hope in myself to get back on my feet and see anything worth of my existence.

       But I kept pushing myself no matter how badly I wanted life to pause so I wouldn’t have to feel alone in my thoughts or how badly I wanted time to stop so I can thoroughly understand my feelings in order to overcome them.

 

       And I am thankful for not settling with that kind of mindset because I have learnt so much about love, support and what it really means when people say that you will get through rough moments. I am thankful that there was no pause in my life because of you. Having life go on forced me, whether or not I liked it, to keep pushing. And with patience and time I realized my worth and began learning that there is a reason behind everything and that even though peoples reasoning may hurt us, we must not limit ourselves. Most importantly, I realized that along with me, there are similar people in the world who don’t have the love they need, making them act in a way that may hurt others around them. And with time I realized that, that is okay. I allowed time to guide me through the process of forgiveness.

 

       You did not hurt me because I let you take me for granted. You hurt me because it was you who didn’t know how to love. And maybe you’ve never experienced something so real, which made you so afraid of commitment. So I hope one day you do love something with so much passion because even if it doesn’t work out in the end, you will experience the gift of wanting more for someone than they want for themselves. Being loved comes and goes in life but having the first hand experience of loving is only for the few of us.

 

       We don’t have the slightest clue of how strong we are and what we are capable of. We will get through life without reaching our fullest potential because there’s no limit to our greatness. And that is why we should never limit ourselves to the amount of happiness, sadness, love or hate we can endure. When we are left with the only option of remaining strong, we fight and maybe we never really stop fighting in our lifetime but there is beauty in our fight.

       Because our comeback from hitting rock bottom outweighs the negative influence.

      And I believe that even a small amount of happiness can outweigh any amount of sadness because the only thing that can save us, when we can’t save ourselves, is love.

 

       I don’t stop here. I will bloom and even when it is dark outside I will continue to find the sunlight.

 

November 9

All I could do was breathe…

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         I remember coming home that night to my entire family sitting in the living room; accusing and blaming one another. I did not plan on coming home but I had nowhere to go. I stood in the cold without any socks or shoes on- blank, feeling incapable of noticing my feelings and feeling them. I don’t know if it was the fact that my father had kicked me out- not worried about where I would go or what state of mind I was in or if it was just me finally accepting that I hold no place in his heart. When I came home no one noticed me but I carefully analyzed everyone who was in the living room. My dad’s rage and my mom’s silence.

           I remember the first words that came out of my father’s mouth. From that day on I accepted reality so I would not have to go through what I have been going through for years and years.

         I remember thinking about whether I should leave for good or stay here and try to change the way my father looked upon women, like we are nothing other than the ones to feed and take care of men. But I had lost all hope from goodness in the eyes of the father who walked out of his own family, a old looking male who considers himself a man.

         I could not do it. I could not get a hold of my feelings, I felt angry but I was silent. I had all sorts of things running in and out of my mind- confused I thought. Am I angry? Am I hurt? Why am I numb?

         I go into the shower and kept the water running so I could cry without anyone hearing my screams. I felt like I had no control over myself, that even though at the moment I was safe, locked in the bathroom, I needed to seek permission to feel how I felt. I was trapped in my own mind- my mind that didn’t allow me the permission to feel and understand how I am.

         As I rested my head on the wall the only thing I knew what I had to do was breathe. I knew no one could change what has happened; I couldn’t. I had given up on trying to integrate wisdom into a brain of a fifty-three year old who thinks of himself as a well respected and fair father and husband. I could feel my anxiety kicking in because every deep breath I took in reminded me of damaged men in my life have brought upon me- my hands and feet started to tingle.

        So I took a breath.

         That is all I could do. I felt the words that came out of his mouth drowning my heart. I felt suffocated. It became hard to breathe I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly trying to get control of my breathing. And at that moment breathing was the only thing that made sense to me. And that is when I realized that maybe for some of us no place in this world will ever be our home.  

 

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November 9

Tata <3

You mean the WORLD to me.

Like, rain makes rainbows

In the naked sky

Like, spring makes flowers  

Bloom in the sun

The same way

You made me feel alive

You are a cozy blanket for me in the winter

And a soft breeze of air in the summer

You are the love of my life, my hero, and my guardian angel

My strength and

My weakness

 

My life is dedicated to my best friend, my hero, the man I love most.  He means everything to me. The years where he could reach out and hold my hand have faded, and he only lives on in my memories, my words, my soul.

You know how someone will tell you that you don’t realize the value of things until they disappear? That what you take for granted in the morning is never seen of again by night?  I have never stopped and thought about what I have done to deserve his love,

and his unceasing support. He is someone I have looked up to and will continue looking up to for infinity and more, both figuratively and literally. He is my guardian angel.

I miss him. Maybe I miss him a little too much. I didn’t speak to him every day when he was alive, but I guess just knowing he was there was enough for me to go through my day with a smile on my face.


I miss him because of his smile. I miss the way I could talk to him about just the most random topics on this planet. I miss the fact that he was just there for me. I miss the little gestures he made whenever he wanted something. The way he turned his index finger when he wanted me to turn off the fan for him. The way he played air piano with one hand when he needed the remote. But what I really miss? Love.

He loved me more than a father, took care of me better than a mother, protected me better than a brother and stood by my better than a sister. He never let me feel like I was rejected and unworthy. He gave me a voice, a life and everything I am today or ever will be because of his love and affection. He wasn’t the most educated person in my life but he still taught me some of the life’s most valuable lessons. He taught me to love myself, he taught me to accept myself, he taught me the difference between right and wrong, and most of all he taught me to believe in myself.

He loved me more than I think I will ever love myself. He took me in when the entire world rejected me. It was the two of us against the world and yet I felt the most powerful with him.

I guess that’s the power of love.

 

He showered me with unconditional love. And now it’s something I feel incomplete without, yet I still feel his presence. I still feel him smiling at me from the stars above. I feel empty without him in my life; it was like darkness fell over my life within seconds, to the point where now I am blinded by the light. But I’m learning to live again, to live happily without him in my life and I know that he will always be there for me.


If there is one thing I’m proud of is being called his granddaughter.

October 2

Innocence

          Innocence is the state of being free from corruption and wrongdoings- it is to be naive and pure. It is usually referred to children who, from a young age, have develop their interests to suit any circumstance or condition. Children represent innocence since they act in a loving matter- giving others around them inspiration to just pause and breath. Throughout our lifetime the restrictions adults put on us scare us, and in that doing we lose our individuality and begin to fear others denial so we act upon what seems to suitable to others around us. The reality of the world is not hidden from children, simply it is our imagination coarsening as the world puts restraints on our freedom.

 

          This particular photograph reveals a moment, what seems to be somewhere in the Middle East of children freely playing and a police officer situated on guard. The background seems like a broken apartment building maybe due to bombings. If you look closely you will see that on the left side where the children are playing, it is a free open space but on the right side, behind the officer is a white fence representing lack of freedom. The officer is standing behind the wall, indirectly hiding himself from them. As he gazes around he might be thinking about a time in his life where he acted upon his own will without any fear of judgement or danger. The children in this image show us a glimpse of what it is like to have innocence and the officer with the gun shows us what it is to feel conflicted by the loss of one’s own innocence. 

         

          An example from my life representing my loss of innocence was when the words and actions of my friends and family betrayed me to understand how the world really functions. A lot of people say highschool is either good or bad and there is no in between but for me personally, I think it was junior high where I started seeing how the words of others only reflected the person they were trying to become but their actions reflect who they were. Being caught up with peoples actions and words left me feeling betrayed. The restrictions put on me by my peers, teachers and family made me want to follow mainstream in fear of being judged and looked down upon from society. It was when I believed peoples words more than their actions that made me lose the hope I had for myself. But what I have realized in seventeen years of living is that we do not handle rejection well, we tend to please everyone because we are scared. As we get older we get restraints put on our freedom, making us pick between going along with mainstream or going along with what we truly believe in. That is how our innocence gets tested and that is when we become fearful of peoples denial.

 

          Once you lose your innocence there is no way of regaining it back in its original form, instead you regain it through courage and survival. Life will hand you hardships to thrive through. Every mistake you made will give you the power to acknowledge the person you are and once you become fearless of peoples denial you will gain confidence. Innocence gets replaced with confidence.

 

          

September 27

Dear Diary,

Visual Link.

Jan 2014 Visual Diagnostic (1)-p81j0l

Dear Diary,

Today was like any other day. I got back from school, finished my work, spent some quality time with my family, and took Marshall out for a walk, and, my god, did he enjoy that. By the time I reached home, my stomach started growling, I was famished, finished my dinner and then I went to my room upstairs. I could hear my mom yelling at my younger brother to just sit down in one place and finish his dinner. I understand that she must be tired of working, well, it is hard to get adjusted to a new environment. She started working again, just a couple of weeks ago. I bet she really misses her vacation now, considering how much she was complaining about how much she misses work. I finished all my school work. I lay on my bed, as I go through my Facebook feed I saw this absolutely heartbreaking story that moved me and changed my mindset about the world we live in. I wonder what has happened to the humanity in this world. I had no idea people could be so cruel.

This is not how I expected it to end. The world must be in a state of shock after hearing about this event in South Korea. We are all well aware about North Korea’s recent experiment with their missile “testing”, more like proposing World War III. For many, it may come across as a shock to hear a missile launching on South Korea this afternoon. I skipped the video because this dreadful picture caught my attention.

In this picture, there are two young boys who don’t look more than eight years old. They look terrified and confused about the current situation. It seems like one of them is running towards this man leaning towards the wall. It seems like the man is holding a gun, maybe for protection. There are no adults present, which indicates they have decease due to the missile launch. It could also mean that parents or guardians were not present during the time of the attack. Looking at the condition of this place it seems like the survivors have had nothing to drink or eat in days. They have been left to starve without any support or help from anyone. I have a five-year-old brother, and he starts crying if he wakes up in the morning and doesn’t find my mom beside him. I patiently let him know it’s okay, and that mom had just gone downstairs. And now these children in South Korea have no idea what is happening to their country and they don’t have anyone to give them the courage and tell them that it is going to be alright. I cannot even begin to imagine how they must be feeling not have any guidance or support from elders.

The surprising factor I read on the same page was that North Korea is claiming that they had nothing to do with the loss or suffering of South Korea and their citizens. They have also offered to help South Korea with anything they need at this devastating time. Now the real concern is who is responsible for the state South Korea is in right now. All my prayers are with the families and children who lost their loved ones.

Good night, Diary