January 18

Irony

Aly Jetha

Visual response #3

Irony

War brings out many feelings and situations where one does not know how to act. It can bring out the best in people or the worst in people and it really show a lot about a person when you see how they act in many difficult situations. Even after the was is done and the individual goes back home they can act different due to what they have experienced.

In the photograph given it shows a soldier feeding an orphaned kitten. I find it ironic how he is in a war killing people, but he is also giving life by helping this kitten stay alive. He is in a very stressful situation and has a lot to worry about but he takes this kitten in as well so he can raise it and give i it the help it needs until it can support itself. He sees that the kitten doesn’t have its mother to help it, but on the other hand he doesn’t see that by killing people he could be taking someone else’s mother or father and that kid could end up like the kitten at the mercy of a stranger’s hands. This happens a lot because some people get married and have kids but have to go to war and don’t have a choice and sometimes they don’t get to go back to see their kids because they were killed. For the lucky one that make it out alive some are not the same – they come home with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and they are physically there but not mentally. The kitten is lucky because it won’t remember much about its younger months and it will make it thanks to this soldier. The kittens mother was probably killed because of the war and that left the kitten alone to fend for itself. This could happen to the child of one of the people fighting the war if they are killed the child will be alone and have to find their own way in the world which is not easy to do at a young age.Society is not forgiving and especially for a child that has nothing or nobody.

A example of this from my life is my mother she grow grew up in India and when she was about ten-years-old her dad died leaving her mom to take care of her and her three siblings. They all got jobs at a very young age so that they could support themselves and get a decent education. Her dad did not die in a war, but it is relatable because the rest of her family was left not knowing what to do. Luckily her family pulled together and worked  hard so that they could get to where they are now. They had to work hard to get the basic necessities and if the rest of her family gave up then I probably would not be here today. Some people are not as lucky to have a family that can do that.

War shows a bad side of some people and in this case it was different because it showed that some people still care and have a heart. It is a hard choice to make to kill people when you look at it this way. It looks like a person is heartless when they are at war but they have to choose to protect their family by going to war or to let someone potentially hurt your family if your country losses. It is ironic though because you are affecting someone else’s family by killing people in the war but that is a choice you have to make.

January 17

What Now?

The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe

Image result for the raven poem

https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/457819118343196416/?lp=true

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11:30 p.m. October 13th

He was gone.

There was nothing I could have done.

He had met the same fate as the rest.

I knew there was no cure for this illness.

I knew that he was dying but my heart still ached, and I only yearned for the warm touch of his hand. Now he laid lifeless, with cold hands, and dull eyes, it was now clear that my love would never return back to me, only from the afterlife would we reunite.

I could not bear the pain no longer, if I continued to look at him, it would only strengthen the pang I am feeling within my chest.

Walking away. Walking away was the only thing I could do, walking away was the hardest thing I could have ever done to him.

But, like a switch, what was once was my grief, turned into anger.

Anger towards the Gods, for they had taken a life too early, and anger towards this damned plague that had killed my love. If it was not for this despicable disease, spreading like wildfire, he would not have died.

Leaving me all alone.

I needed to get out of this revolting place, it sickened me. I needed to clear my head, get some fresh air and let myself breathe.

I paid no attention to where I was walking, I only knew that I had to keep going. Still stuck in my own mind, I could not shake the thoughts of my love’s last breath. How he tried to put on a brave face when we both knowingly knew that he was scared.

Out of nowhere, I heard someone or something whisper my name. It soon came to my attention that I had come across a cemetery. Rows of gravestones lined from left to right, front and back, like a sea of the dead. Some recently placed, others crumbled and cracked, mold covering the engravings devoted to the dead. The trees- leaning towards the headstones- were awkwardly twisted like distorted limbs. The spiked, black fence surrounding the cemetery, acting like a prison for the dead. The gate closed and locked from the heavy chains and locks wrapped around it.

But, in the corner of my eye, I saw something move from inside the cemetery. It was dark and hard to see but I walked closer and closer. Until I was a foot away from the fence.

My hands grew clammy with sweat, my breathing quickened, but nothing happened.

As I was about to turn around  I noticed a crow was perched on top of the cemetery gate.

As it made its horrid cry, it turned and looked at me, it felt as if it was delving INTO me, almost as if it could see my soul.

The sound of a twig snapping caused me to turn my head but just as the crow had appeared, it had quickly left without a trace.

Waiting not a second longer, I immediately turned around and began walking.

But the sound of leaves crunching under my feet, for some reason made me feel uneasy, the night was only getting darker, and the wind was growing colder.

As I continued to walk, I could feel a set of eyes watching me from behind, only I knew not where their eyes were watching me from.

I kept on walking, trying, trying to the best of my abilities to never look back. But, I couldn’t. My fear was so overpowering anyone could smell it. My walk slowly turned into a jog, my eyes looking everywhere. My hands shaking from this mysterious feeling whirling inside of me.

I stopped running, trying to catch my breath. But, on top of a lamplight on the other side of the road, was a crow. Yet, more and more were coming. Gathering beside one another. It was then I heard the crunching of leaves, the snapping of twigs, and bellowing cries of the crows. As more and more crows came, it that was coming mind was……murder.

Not knowing what this all meant.

I ran.

 

 

November 9

Tata <3

You mean the WORLD to me.

Like, rain makes rainbows

In the naked sky

Like, spring makes flowers  

Bloom in the sun

The same way

You made me feel alive

You are a cozy blanket for me in the winter

And a soft breeze of air in the summer

You are the love of my life, my hero, and my guardian angel

My strength and

My weakness

 

My life is dedicated to my best friend, my hero, the man I love most.  He means everything to me. The years where he could reach out and hold my hand have faded, and he only lives on in my memories, my words, my soul.

You know how someone will tell you that you don’t realize the value of things until they disappear? That what you take for granted in the morning is never seen of again by night?  I have never stopped and thought about what I have done to deserve his love,

and his unceasing support. He is someone I have looked up to and will continue looking up to for infinity and more, both figuratively and literally. He is my guardian angel.

I miss him. Maybe I miss him a little too much. I didn’t speak to him every day when he was alive, but I guess just knowing he was there was enough for me to go through my day with a smile on my face.


I miss him because of his smile. I miss the way I could talk to him about just the most random topics on this planet. I miss the fact that he was just there for me. I miss the little gestures he made whenever he wanted something. The way he turned his index finger when he wanted me to turn off the fan for him. The way he played air piano with one hand when he needed the remote. But what I really miss? Love.

He loved me more than a father, took care of me better than a mother, protected me better than a brother and stood by my better than a sister. He never let me feel like I was rejected and unworthy. He gave me a voice, a life and everything I am today or ever will be because of his love and affection. He wasn’t the most educated person in my life but he still taught me some of the life’s most valuable lessons. He taught me to love myself, he taught me to accept myself, he taught me the difference between right and wrong, and most of all he taught me to believe in myself.

He loved me more than I think I will ever love myself. He took me in when the entire world rejected me. It was the two of us against the world and yet I felt the most powerful with him.

I guess that’s the power of love.

 

He showered me with unconditional love. And now it’s something I feel incomplete without, yet I still feel his presence. I still feel him smiling at me from the stars above. I feel empty without him in my life; it was like darkness fell over my life within seconds, to the point where now I am blinded by the light. But I’m learning to live again, to live happily without him in my life and I know that he will always be there for me.


If there is one thing I’m proud of is being called his granddaughter.

November 9

Buried Life

Little by little as you left your buried life behind, the light began to turn
into darkness through the darkest times in life and there was a new life
which you slowly recognized as your own.
The buried life was lost but never forgotten.

Here l am again wondering why the buried life has yet passed by me.
The unspeakable desires froze and stayed in the buried life, leaving me
in a den of lions hoping that in the future l would be brave and not leave
the buried life.

How am l still in this life?
Why am l still wasting my time? When l miss the buried life.

The longing to be able to be successful passed by me, fast and furious.
The buried life was never introduced to the past me but hoped that l could
grab hold of it; maybe, just maybe, l could have had a wild and free life.
But the past is past, the present is present, all the possible life lost yet the future awaits.

My idea of buried life presumes that every human life is imbued with a true path, an authentic course, a call to adventure, and a genuine sense of vocation. Buried life inspires the desire to seek liberation from that which binds. When we are faced with a painful adventure in life we tend to get lost along the way and leave our buried life behind.

When l started writing my free choice, l became to think why l had a buried and how my buried life began. I finally realized that my buried life began a long time ago however l was never aware of it. I began thinking how, why, what and when. It began the day l felt like l needed to be strong for everyone around me who had the same grief. Grief after losing someone to suicide can feel like a roller-coaster, full of intense ups and downs and everything in between.

In 2013 , when my childhood best friend died, l was devastated. I did not know how l could deal with such a horrific event. The only way l knew how to deal with death was putting my own feelings aside for the sake of everyone around me. I felt like l was the one who had to be strong for everyone. In reality l knew that l was not as strong as everyone thought l was. I was only being strong because everyone was expecting me to break down. I didn’t want everyone to see me weak. The shock and grief that consumes you after you lose someone to suicide is overwhelming. It can feel like you have fallen into a deep hole and will never be able to get out. That’s how l felt.

I got lost along the way and l forgot who l was. I became this person who was broken inside but strong on the outside. I forgot my true self and l became someone who l was not. I became this person who hides her feeling inside. That was never part of the plan. The plan was for me to be strong for everyone and deal with own emotions later. However, l hid those feeling inside for so long that l forgot the real me. The real me was confident, happy, wild and free. Who was l now? Was it too let go back to the buried life? Slowly l have been recognizing my own life as the buried life l knew from before.

September 27

Dear Diary,

Visual Link.

Jan 2014 Visual Diagnostic (1)-p81j0l

Dear Diary,

Today was like any other day. I got back from school, finished my work, spent some quality time with my family, and took Marshall out for a walk, and, my god, did he enjoy that. By the time I reached home, my stomach started growling, I was famished, finished my dinner and then I went to my room upstairs. I could hear my mom yelling at my younger brother to just sit down in one place and finish his dinner. I understand that she must be tired of working, well, it is hard to get adjusted to a new environment. She started working again, just a couple of weeks ago. I bet she really misses her vacation now, considering how much she was complaining about how much she misses work. I finished all my school work. I lay on my bed, as I go through my Facebook feed I saw this absolutely heartbreaking story that moved me and changed my mindset about the world we live in. I wonder what has happened to the humanity in this world. I had no idea people could be so cruel.

This is not how I expected it to end. The world must be in a state of shock after hearing about this event in South Korea. We are all well aware about North Korea’s recent experiment with their missile “testing”, more like proposing World War III. For many, it may come across as a shock to hear a missile launching on South Korea this afternoon. I skipped the video because this dreadful picture caught my attention.

In this picture, there are two young boys who don’t look more than eight years old. They look terrified and confused about the current situation. It seems like one of them is running towards this man leaning towards the wall. It seems like the man is holding a gun, maybe for protection. There are no adults present, which indicates they have decease due to the missile launch. It could also mean that parents or guardians were not present during the time of the attack. Looking at the condition of this place it seems like the survivors have had nothing to drink or eat in days. They have been left to starve without any support or help from anyone. I have a five-year-old brother, and he starts crying if he wakes up in the morning and doesn’t find my mom beside him. I patiently let him know it’s okay, and that mom had just gone downstairs. And now these children in South Korea have no idea what is happening to their country and they don’t have anyone to give them the courage and tell them that it is going to be alright. I cannot even begin to imagine how they must be feeling not have any guidance or support from elders.

The surprising factor I read on the same page was that North Korea is claiming that they had nothing to do with the loss or suffering of South Korea and their citizens. They have also offered to help South Korea with anything they need at this devastating time. Now the real concern is who is responsible for the state South Korea is in right now. All my prayers are with the families and children who lost their loved ones.

Good night, Diary

 

November 17

A River Runs Through it & Attack on Titan Literary Exploration

Dark Force Angel
Photo Credit: Hartwig HKD via Compfight

A belief is described as the ideal that individuals follow as true and can change accordingly by the circumstances that others create with their actions. In the movie, A River Runs Through It, Norman reevaluates his respect for Paul after he saves Norman’s relation with Jessie when he intervenes with her before she leaves. As well as in Attack on Titan, Eren’s beliefs were drastically altered after that faithful day when his mother offers her life to the Titan for the survival of him and Misaka. When hardship arises, the choice of action that others take in response can shift an individual’s beliefs in a positive direction. This is evident through Robert Redford’s film, A River Runs Through it, by examining the character of Norman after Paul helps him with reconnecting with Jessie, as well as Tetsurō Araki’s anime, Attack on Titan, by examining the protagonist Eren after his mother decides to sacrifice herself to the Titan to save Eren and Misaka from further harm.

The choices that others make can influence a positive shift in an individual’s beliefs, like how Paul influences Jessie to reconcile with Norman which sways Norman’s views about Paul. This took place after the scene where Jessie takes the train tracks back to his residents as a punishment for Norman returning Neal, undressed and drunk, to her. At that point, it seems that Norman was about end his first relationship in a bittersweet manner until Paul intercepts Jessie with his car. He uses his charm and words to sway Jessie into assuaging with Norman as a way to give a second chance for their relation to continue and flourish. Originally, Norman was starting to believe that Paul was become more and more out of control with all of the problems that he accumulated over the time that he wasn’t there to keep him out of trouble. Norman also acknowledges Paul’s actions and respects him more not just as an artist of a unique style of fly-fishing, but for what he did for him than what he did at Lolo’s during the time that he was away. This indicates how nowadays, people are quick to judge others by appearance and their “mask” of an attitude that usually creates the stereotypes that others believe in by how they are depicted in the media. These stereotypical beliefs can be broken in the right way by the actions of the ones who are marginalized by society.

Besides Norman’s beliefs about Paul being shifted, in Attack on Titan, Eren experiences a similar moment, but with his faith in humanity. A mother’s protective reaction to adversity can trigger a sudden shift in beliefs and values. After the breaching of the outermost wall of the fortified city, Wall Maria, the Titans, heartless humanoid beasts that are at least several stories high and devour humans not as a food source but as a pleasure, invades the community in a raging manner. Eren realizes that his home was in the invaded territory and hurries back to his home with Misaka, his adoptive sister, to see its condition and their mother. After arriving and desperately trying to free their mother from under the fallen structure, one of Titans tramples to their direction. Noticing that she was crippled from the waist down, she begs Eren and Misaka to just leave her there and continue to survive while knowing that she’ll just slow them down even if she was able to free herself. Eren and Misaka escapes safely while they helplessly witness their mother falling victim to the terrifying Titan who consumes her alive mercilessly. The mother’s choice of a heroic sacrifice plus the effect of childhood trauma influences Eren to have more faith in humanity and the belief that it’s his responsibility to protect the human race by training to become one of the specialized soldiers who are trained to fend the Titans. Choices of action made during sudden and dangerous events such as the life or death situation that they experienced during the invasion of the Titans have more impacting effects emotionally and mentally on others than most other choices made during their lifetime. In order to continue to pursue his new beliefs, more choices of actions have to be taken to manifest his beliefs.

Even though the relationship between these two texts isn’t very obvious at first, the way that Norman’s beliefs were redirected positively by Paul’s intervention and the way that Eren’s beliefs were directed positively after his mother’s sacrifice are very similar to each other.  The effect range of the adversity for both are on opposite ends since in A River Runs Through It, the adversity was set to a personal scale for both Norman and Jessie while in Attack on Titan, the adversity was affecting an entire population of people. The choices that Eren’s mother have made are considered as selfless acts as his mother gave her life in exchange for the safety of Eren and Misaka. Also Paul’s choices are considered as selfless Paul uses his best qualities as a charmer to persuade Jessie to forgive Norman by saying how lucky she is to have Norman as a boyfriend as a way to save their happiness. The actions that Paul and Eren’s mother created positive influences to Norman’s and Eren’s beliefs respectively as Norman began to see Paul as someone important in his life not just as his younger brother and Eren avenging for his mother’s death by protecting others from the hands of the Titans as a specialized soldier who are trained to fight the Titans. Despite the different genres and situations of both texts, the same conditions have been met to create the positive shift in the protagonists’ beliefs.

Adversity in life is inevitable. One’s actions in response to the adversity can positively alter other people’s beliefs significantly. Whether it’s Paul’s involvement in his first relationship with Jessie or the mother’s plea for them to survive and having to unfortunately witness the gruesome death as they leave her behind, both events resulted in the positive shift in beliefs for the protagonists. Norman refers to Paul a lot as he retells his life story to the world just as Eren joins the military to take action against the Titans for who were the cause for his mother’s premature and bloody death as both are the result of the actions taken by someone close to them.

October 6

You are an astronaut. Describe your perfect night!!

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Day 148

Dear Diary, they’ve given up hope on returning me to earth. How could I have been so stupid to believe that everything was going to be okay and that they would save me. To make matters worse, the starvation is beginning to get to me, I don’t know how much longer I could have left to live. I’m beginning to go mad with the confined space around me, with no voices but my own and the ones inside my head… How is one supposed to live in their final moments knowing they’re going to die and not be driven mad by the though of it, guess I will find out soon…

Day 149.

Dear Diary, I’ve come to the realization that death is unavoidable in my circumstances and sitting here in space with only my thoughts is making me go crazy in everyway. How do I cope? How do I get out of here? Help me…

Day 150.

Dear Diary, you’re so smart! Write a story to drive away my negative thoughts. Hahaha I’m not crazy, no. I know today’s going to be different. I could, I could write a story, you know to clear my mind, like you said.

The stars are out and I can’t stop myself from smiling, I stare up at them every night before falling asleep. But this night, this night is different from all the rest. Tonight wasn’t like ordinary nights; many would say it could have been the perfect night. I was a million miles away from home, had not a care in the world and no one by my side, just me, myself and I. It was perfect on account that all I had done that day was lay in my bed with the air blowing against my face keeping me cool and calm. My arms were resting behind my head keeping it propped up just enough for me to be able to see out the window. I could have stayed laying there looking out upon those stars for hours, if not days. The beauty that each star had sparkled against the moonlight. The stars now a days were the only thing that kept me smiling. Being alone all the time got me down sometimes, but that is what I enjoy, being by myself with my thoughts and the stars. It gives me time to relax and to find out who and what I truly am. Peace and quiet, with the only reason for spoken words was to the stars, but even then the stars leave me speechless and breathless with all their beauty. That is what my perfect night is all about, being with the one thing that makes me smile and enjoying the beauty of the world; the stars, but then aliens attack me!

Haha see Diary those words. Yeah I knew you knew where they came from, that book I read. I just made the ending better than they ever could! I’m not crazy! Haha just smarter than these authors could ever be! I-. I wrote the perfect ending see! Aren’t you proud of me Diary?

Diary?

Diary, are you there?

Where’d you go?

Day 151.

Dear Diary, Hahaha I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy. I’M NOT CRAZY.

I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANY MORE THE WALLS, THEY’RE CLOSING IN ON ME.  Diary? Am… I crazy?

Day 152.

Dear Diary, the voices say I can’t be your friend anymore… They say you’re no good for me and that you’re the one that’s crazy… Are they right, Diary? Is this true? Diary, we can’t be friends any more… Those voices, they said they were going to kill me if I talked to you anymore… I guess this is goodbye Diary… Will you be okay with out me here to talk to you each day?

Diary I know you’re upset just please say something so this isn’t harder than it has to be.

DIARY! TALK TO ME! I NEED YOU.

I guess that’s just it then. You’re done speaking to me? THEN I’M DONE TOO!

Goodbye Diary… forever.

September 29

One Left Standing

“Hey! Hello! Can you hear me? Guys?” I kept screaming. The boat was rocking with the waves. What the hell are they doing? There were two men that were sitting on a bench with water up to their butts, looking over the city, during the floods. One of the men was wearing swim shorts. These guys are insane. I inhaled, squeezing out the last breath in attempt to get their attention. “GUYS!” Finally, after the making dozens of efforts to get their attentions, I succeeded. “We’re coming to get you.” As my voice carries over the rushing water of the tides, we inch forward. He snaps away towards the gentlemen to the right of him and muttered something.  As we approach the two men, the older looking gentlemen looks at us. His eyes looked like he had been tortured and was going to lose the fight. The younger man beside him put his hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

“What are you guys doing out here in this crazy weather?” I asked. The younger man answered, “My father wanted to see the city before he died. He doesn’t have long to live. In this very spot, where we are sitting, is the very first place he took me as a kid. To come here, with me, was his death wish. My father is dying. If I can’t take way his pain, the least I can do is make his last moments count.” When he was done talking, he looked at his father and gave him a hug.

The old man tried to say something, but his weak breath. He finally got the strength to say what wanted to. “Son, do you remember when your mother and I used to take you to the lake. Lake Windermere, I think. I can barely remember. Your mother was better at remembering the minor details. The trip was memorable. We did everything: skipping rocks, going swimming, having a barbeque, making sandcastles, making you laugh and smile. I loved that trip more than anything. I would adore to go there one more time before I die. Do you remember, son. Do you remember?”

The son looked at us. He said nothing but the pain behind his eyes said it all. A tear feel into his hands. That is the one memory that the both of them shared. The one memory that the Alzheimer’s hasn’t destroyed, in its path of destruction. The water is what the disease is doing, destroying everything in its path. It became clear to us that their time together was something that the two men valued more than the storm. We left them to be. I never saw him or his son ever again.

Created with Nokia Smart Cam

Photo Credits: Anusha S.

 

 

December 29

Life filled with Sorrows

Sitting by the hospital bed, I could hear the heart monitor beep its way through. The medical ventilators were doing their jobs peacefully. The first bag was filled with blood and the  second, with more. He gently moved his hand and let out a soft moan. I could almost feel his pain.

“Mom can I buy ice cream from the dairy truck?”

“No honey, not today. You already had some yesterday.”

“Please mom. Please!”

“No.”

(walking backwards towards the road) “Fine, I am going to buy it myself with the allowance grandma gave me.”

“No Zack, it doesn’t matter whose money it is. I do- LOOK OUT!’

Sirens.

“Breaking News, witnesses and sources have confirmed that six-year-old Zack Montgomery has been hit by a car at the first intersection by Castle Hill Shopping Center. Witnesses say, this happened around 2 pm and help arrived immediately. Our best wishes are with the boy and his family. Another robbery occur-”

If I had just allowed him ice cream, this wouldn’t have happened. I am a single mom paying child support, maintaining two jobs and taking suicidal pills after loosing my four-year-old daughter, Kendra, all at the age of 32. I married young; He was 25 and I was 23. We promised, till death do us apart. I had little Zack then quiet Kendra. One day when we woke up, she was missing. Her window was open and her doll under her blanket. Soon enough the kidnapper was caught, but my daughter wasn’t spared. He killed her.

A few months passed and my husband and I filed for divorce. He wouldn’t talk nor would I. He wouldn’t eat or sleep for too long, nor would I. There was space between us; we realized we were pushing away Zack. He was shattered himself; his grades decreased dramatically. After the divorce, I became suicidal and depressed but I had to stay strong for my son. Our son my husband didn’t think about anymore. He left the city and moved on with his life. He is married and has two daughters. Once a month he writes to us when he sends the cheque. He says he loves us dearly and never misses Zack’s birthday. It hurts every time I read his letter. I informed him about Zack’s accident but he never came down to see him. He says there is a lot of pain in this city for him to handle and he cannot leave his job and family. It hurt when he said that.

Sitting there in the quiet, I could hear Zacks’ heart pump as much blood as it could. He was soft and still. I could almost feel his pain. If only the abracadabra stuff was real then I would have released my baby from this pain. With nearly every bone shattered in his body, he is fighting. Doctors say he will be alright, but after everything that happened, what is alright?

If I am alive today, it’s only because of Kendra. My own little daughter is now my own guardian angel.

October 15

A Frame of Remembrance

I clenched it a bit harder. I pulled it closer to my heart as tear dropped from my cheek to the ground. I held the frame with the picture of me and my late grandmother in my hand, something that I had cherished for three years of learning to live without her. I pulled it back where I could look at it in full view, I remember us talking, laughing, and crying together. I remember like it was yesterday, when I heard about this heart-breaking news, that my grandmother didn’t make it, and it was then, when I realized to cherish your moments with your loved ones, because those times will not return.

I slowly crept up the stairs to investigate what was going on, my feet trembling against the cold hardwood floor and my hands shaking with fright. I wondered why my poor mother was crying at this time of day; although, it was not that odd for her to get a little emotional from time to time, I sensed something was wrong. I held the wooden rail to support my weight and made an attempt to further lift myself up the stairs and face the scene.

I finally reached my destination and found my mother shedding tears in a way that was unfamiliar to me, her face red, mucus rushing down her nose, and drenched eyes. I sat across from her on the black-leather couches, which were quite chilly because of the cold winter day. I watched her speak to someone on the phone, as I felt a bit more trapped as the time flied. I waited.

After a few dreadful moments, my mother came to me and held me in a behavior I have never felt before, filled with love and grief and the same time. I felt suffocated as the cold blood from my body rushed through my veins and pierced my heart; I internally begged her to speak. Finally, my mother grasped enough courage from the air and spoke something that I won’t ever forget my entire life, “Grandma has passed away.”

I sat, still in shock, trying to comprehend what I just heard. After a few moments, I wailed at the top of my lungs, my head spinning around, my eyes filled with liquid, and my heart raced, like a train going faster and faster. Water dripped from my eyes, to my cheeks, to my face, and my shirt filled with mucus and tears. All the memories filled my head: the walks we took, the stories we shared, the meal we shared, and the love for each other we possessed. I was shocked. I felt betrayed. I yelled at myself for never doing anything for her, even though she did everything for me. Despite her old age, she raised, fed, and took care of me, gave me more love than my parents. I knew right away that I would never find that love somewhere else; furthermore, I did not know what to do with my life anymore. I knew that I had forgotten how to live.

After a couple of hours, I finally took control of my emotions and walked over to my room, where I found myself in memory lane. I thought about the moments in life we had, and everything came crashing at once. I regained control of myself and missed my dear grandmother, I wondered if it was the doctor’s fault, maybe it was my family’s fault, maybe it was her fault. She was fine a couple of days ago when I talked to her on the phone, what had happened that this unfortunate incident took place. Despite all this, I knew she was in a better place now, a place where there is no sadness, and no pain.

After almost three years, I look back and remember this unfortunate day. I put the frame back where it belonged, on my night table, to remind myself that she is still in existence and right by my side. Even though I miss and still love her with all my hearts, I have learned to live without her even though it is not the same. That was my first time I dealt with the death of someone so dear to me, and now I have realized to cherish these moments and do anything you can for your loved ones, because you will not get a second chance.

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