December 19

Never Shall I Forget This Last Goodbye

http://atruelovefairytale.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/sudden-loss-1.jpg

Never shall I forget that night, the night at home

Which turned into many worrisome hours and tragic minutes.

 

Never shall I forget my father’s voice telling me that my grandma is in the hospital.

Never shall I forget the worry that came over me as I lay in my bedroom in the dark, which felt darker after those words were spoken to me.

 

Never shall I forget that anxiety that engulfed me.

Never shall I forget the sound of the ticking clock slowly getting louder.

Never shall I forget the heat that rushed through my body while my heart began to race

Never shall I forget the tears forming in my eyes thinking to myself that my grandma will leave me tonight

Never shall I forget the taste of dryness and worry that filled my mouth

 

Never shall I forget the next morning when I found out she was gone

Never shall I forget the many faces that came to my house that day

Never shall I forget the courage I had to muster in order to tell my best friend

Never shall I forget the countless tears that were shed that day

Never shall I forget the sound of prayers being played in the background

 

Never shall I forget her and the way she used to care for everyone

Never shall I forget the fact that she didn’t suffer

Never shall I forget that she didn’t ask anyone for anything

Never shall I forget the values she instilled into my mom and how my mom now passes these onto me and my siblings

 

Never shall I forget that night, the night at home

February 28, 2016

 

Purpose:

I chose to write this piece because it was a very tragic event that happened in my life and I wanted to share how I felt during this time. It was so sudden, so there were lots of emotions and they are hard to explain but I wrote this poem in order to hopefully explain the feelings and emotions that were felt during this time. My grandma was not sick, she just fell down at home and that was it. Everything was fine but then this happened all so fast that there was no time to explain. This is probably why the feelings that I felt were so strong and why my memories about it are so clear in my mind. This piece is also to honor her and thank her for the life she lived and the people she influenced. 

November 6

Fear-Visual

 

 

Fear. Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by our own beliefs that danger is near, likely to cause pain, or a threat. We as individuals encounter this theme at an early age, many of us risking a lot of things and gaining experience throughout life. As children, we are less fearful than when we become older and the reason for that is because as kids we don’t understand the consequences of our actions, but when we are older we learn that “you reap what you sow”. What this means is you will eventually have to face the consequences of your actions. When one faces their fears it makes them a stronger individual; although, it isn’t an easy process once they have overcome their fears it is an extraordinary feeling. This visual represents three Philippine children who are crossing the river on their way to school. They all have backpacks on and only two from the three have shoes on their feet. 

 

All three of them are on a small kayak which they don’t look very comfortable on because they are all kneeling on both knees with their heads sticking out to the side while the feet are touching the water. As you can see through the visual, the kid without the shoes expression looks scared and cold. Facing your fears can be hard at times; however, after one has experienced it their not as scared as they we beforehand. Through this, you can become a stronger individual. For example, many kids around the world don’t have school buses to get to school so they have to do things that we could never do because we are scared. In spite of that, kids around the world put their lives at risk just to get to school. Looking at the visual, none of the kids seem to be happy or excited. Instead, they seem to look somewhat frightened. Though they may be used to it happening every day in their lives, they are still at risk because of the possibility that the kayak may flip over. Also, the fact that they have backpacks on with no lifejackets makes the situation worse than it already is. The situation they face every day is extremely dangerous which many of us would be scared of doing because we haven’t experienced anything like that in our lives.

 

I have experience this theme multiple times in my life, but never as much as I do now. When I was a kid, I loved taking risks I always wanted to experience new things. But now that I have matured up I realized that every action has a powerful meaning to it, whether we endure it or not. Two years ago, during the summer I was on a family trip. We all decided to go boating, I was on the boat with my older and younger brother, we were in the middle of the river and my older brother and me decided to scare my younger brother by rocking the canoe back and forth. My and my younger brother were scared of the water due to, we didn’t really know how to swim that well. I decided to take a selfie and out of nowhere “SPLASH”, all three of us were in the water in a split second, I was panicking because water was my biggest fear. At that moment, I had no idea what to do all I saw was my brothers swimming away from and I was still there at that same spot. I had learned a really big lesson that day, it was that life is way to short and fast for us, we must face our fear today or else it’s too late for tomorrow.

 

December 2

Struggles with Self-identity

Distortion Focus by Jaeha Park

https://www.saatchiart.com/art/Drawing-Distortion-focus/800577/4083786/view

“So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”

Stephen Chbosky

Who am I?

Who do I want to be?

What represents me as a person?

Questions that each individual will experience at some point of their life.

What makes up me as a character of my own?

Outside of culture, religion, and background: Who am I?

In my personal life, finding my sense of identity is a struggle; finding a part of me that is constantly there, represented in my actions throughout day-to-day life without trying. As if the future upon our shoulders: transitioning from an aloof, innocent children into successful, independent beings, wasn’t heavy enough; the constant struggle and suffocating feeling in finding myself: my sense of identity, and what makes up me as a person. This idea of needing stability charges in full force, expects me to accept the pieces that make up me as an individual when I, myself, do not even know who I am.

When I haven’t come to terms with my sense of identity, how do I represent myself to others?
Is it wrong to compromise my sense of identity, coming up with an idea of how I want to be known without knowing whether or not it’s genuinely what I believe? What is expected of me as I continue to grow and find my way around? The constant pressure brought upon myself because I still haven’t found myself and my goals.

Having friends and family around gives me a sense of reassurance and comfort in thinking ¨It’s okay for now, you’re still young,¨ but at the same time, I can’t escape the constant pressure of feeling like I’m so far behind every one of them because they all have a shining aura of their unique identities while I, on the other hand, am inconsistent in the way I behave and think, left in the shadows by the ones who walk in front of me. Wanting to be like one or the other, friendly and easy to approach, or a part of a group, but often in the end: switching last minute into an embodiment of discomfort, social awkwardness, and isolation.
Stuck in a cage of my doubt, a prison of my own pride; I don’t want to stay feeling so incomplete.

What holds me back from finding my sense of identity… is constant inconsistency.

What holds me back from finding my sense of identity… is fear of not knowing who I will become because of who I’m not today.

But…

At the same time…

What also holds me back from finding my sense of identity… is wondering if having an established sense of identity is more pressuring than having a non-defined identity, needing to act as who I portrayed myself to be, maintaining a consistent image.

All of these mixed ideas and feelings of who I am and who I should be. Is it wrong of me to feel stuck in the land of uncertainty?

In the end, all of this could just be overthinking.

Perhaps one day I’ll find something that will make me feel whole.
An identity that I can call my own.
But until that day,
I’ll keep walking on this current path,
with infinite possibilities,
on the journey of figuring out my sense of identity,
whilst accepting all the flawed and disorienting pieces that create my portrait.

December 31

Literary Exploration: Ability to face hardship is an essential human quality

Most people, when they come upon a hardship, become hesitant to face it therefore, leading to a persona which lacks an essential human quality that would have been originally gained by facing the hardship. However, when it comes upon realization that when one travels through the journey of that hardship, the main reason for such a occurrence is to help gather a quality which not only strengthens the personality of a person but also strengthens the human nature of that person. Once the person takes this idea into account, they are finally aware of the importance for the ability to face a hardship as in the end it is this hardship that leads one to gain a essential human quality that builds upon their persona. In The Glass Castle, author Jeannette Walls, explores this idea of when a person comes upon a situation that seems to be difficult, it is usually these situations that provide the person with their most strength; an essential human quality. this is explored through the character’s of Jeannette herself as well as her father, rex as they go through life facing many hardships while enabling themselves to conquer it. Most of the qualities that a human possesses is through them facing a hardship and as the novels continues, Jeannette is seen as a person who goes through many difficult times but comes out of them with strength. When an individual comes upon a situation where it deems itself to be very difficult, the individual is forced to believe that it is impossible to overcome it, however; once they realize that they have no other option but to face the difficult circumstance, they become enable to conquer the hardship and as a result gaining a essential human quality which in return will help them. Through this, one is able to pursue new interests, face their fears, and gain new skills.

Initially when a naïve and a inexperienced person comes upon a situation that is essentially new to them, they become fascinated creating a new curiosity that leads them to discover new ideas therefore, opening up a new circumstance that may be dangerous and harmful. once overcoming such a situation, their fascination only deepens resulting in a new pursuit of new interests. Jeannette demonstrates this idea through the character Jeannette when is cooking hotdog and caches on fire. Though she recovers, in a way that is deemed unnecessary by her parents, she becomes fascinated by fire and gains a new interest with it. This evidence shows the reader that when Jeannette, being an inexperienced young girl at the time, cam upon the situation of cooking with fire, she was fascinated at the very start. This lead to her not paying attention to her priorities and therefore, catching on fire. The fire was her fear at first, as at that time she was scared as she caught on fire, but when she recovered, that fear became her fascination. She was entranced by the fire. She overcame the hardship of being burnt, and turned that fear into a interest in which Jeannette never gave up her attention towards it. The fact that, after recovery Jeannette played with fire as if it were a new hobbies, proves the fact that when she had the ability to face the hardship of being burnt, allowed her to gain the essential human quality of new fascinations and interests. This indicates to the reader, that when an individual comes face to face with a hardship in which they have never experienced before, they may turn the fear into a fascination if the situation arises to be dangerous. Especially when an individual is inexperienced and has not been able to undergo what the world is offering them, it is prominent for them to be led into a situation that may be dangerous. It is from this point on, in which they decide to choose fear or bravery, therefore leading to a new developed persona. When they conquer the difficult hardship, they are allowing themselves to be open to new ideas, new inputs, and new perspectives leading to new interests.

Then, when an individual faces a circumstance where they must face their fear, it is possible that they do not want to face it, however; when they conquer the fear, they gain a new essential human quality that strengthens their personality. Jeannette demonstrates this idea through the character Jeannette when she becomes afraid of the demon under her bed, but then scares it away with the help of her dad. This evidence shows that when the demon became her hardship, she was afraid to face her fear at all. However, with the help of her father, she was able to overcome that fear. Her ability to face the hardship then led to her to gain an essential human quality of bravery as well as the ability to face her future hardships. the demon, also being a symbol of all the hardships that she later on faces, shows the reader that as Jeannette overcame her fear that day, she overcame her fear for the many hardships that she later on faces. This is an indication to the reader that when an individual is able to face their fear, the outcome will most likely result in the individual gaining a new quality of bravery, and confidence. It is a natural instinct of a human to back away from their fears, however; when the ability of facing the fear come to play, the quality of bravery and confidence starts to show; a quality that may have never been showed before. This then becomes a new essential quality that tends to stay with the individual throughout the many other hardships that they may face.

Finally, when an individual goes through a experience in which they have never gone through before or do not have the knowledge to go through the situation, they usually learn new skills that help them in that situation. This then becomes their new essential quality; a newfound skill. This is demonstrated throughout the novel when rex teaches Jeannette to swim. Jeannette is thrown into the pool constantly, failing each time to swim as it is something that she does not know how to do. This evidence demonstrates to the reader that Jeannette was constantly thrown into a situation that was entirely a hardship for her. Realizing that learning to swim would have to be achieved entirely on her own, she overcame her hardship by going against the current instead of letting the current control Jeannette. By conquering the water and learning how to swim, she was able to face her hardship and gained a new skill. A new essential human quality: swimming. This demonstrates to the reader that when an individual faces a hardship that is completely new to them, they may have difficulty overcoming the hardship. This then will lead to the individual realizing that the only way to overcome the situation is to face it. Once the overcoming is final, the individual comes to an awareness that not only have they overcome the situation and the hardship but they have also gained a new skill and an essential human quality.

New pursuits of new interests, overcoming of fears, and the capability to learn new skills are some of the many results that occur when an individual comes face to face with a situation that may be overbearingly difficult in which is proven to be strenuous to overcome. The ability to overcome this hardship dos not only show the determination and strength used, but also results in the many essential human qualities that come out of the conquering of hardships. This is seen all throughout the novel, The Glass Castle, as Jeannette goes through life enduring many hardships, however; overcoming them through her strength of bravery, acquiring many other human qualities. Most people refrain from trying to successfully overcome a hardship as it the human nature to back away when they are in fear. However, it is significantly essential to face the hardship, as in the end, it only strengthens the individual as well as their persona.

December 29

I am a Sunflower

     

Image result for time the sun and her flowers

 

 

From the book ‘The Sun and her Flowers’ by Rupi Kaur

       The well-known writer, Rupi Kaur, published her book, ‘the sun and her flowers’ again, spreading awareness of how self-love and the importance of investing time in ourselves for human growth and development. For Rupi, writing is a way where she can take a moment to listen to her soul and voice and respond in a kindly way, assuring her that it is not only her who may, at some point, feel a kind of way. Through her adolescence experiences, she was able to inspire people including myself to find our voice. Her words have touched many young individuals who are left feeling isolated from the world due to their misunderstanding of how to cope with reality.

 

       This poem depicts a strong representation of how life will go on no matter what is going on around you, even if all you want at that moment is for life to pause and be alone to thoroughly understand what has happened and how to react to it. We shouldn’t limit ourselves to how much we can endure, in fear of not making it to the end; because as life pushes us we become stronger and if you are able to push yourself- you will survive. At the end, things might work out for us and even if they don’t- through the hustle of trying to get a grip of ourselves, life will give us a new perspective on the way we think about a particular experience. Once we overcome uncomfortable experiences we come back stronger than ever with more knowledge and strength integrated into us. After an individual is struck by reality, self abandonment is the key to heal and grow resulting in an individual to realize that they will never reach their fullest potential; their potential will keep on evolving.

 

       Young flowerheads are most likely facing the sun, when they bloom, they face east. I like to think of myself as a young sunflower. I haven’t completely lost my innocence that I always had as a young child but I do believe that some of my innocence has been replaced with fear. Fear of being alone, left behind, not cared for and most importantly denial. I know a lot of people including myself who don’t take denial well. Denial as in feeling like i’m not enough and I have qualities that I lack. That is what I am scared of, giving my all to people who can replace me without any hesitation. Because the people that allow you to be so happy are the same people who are preparing to take something from you. I am scared of giving it my all, seeing the potential of who they can be and sticking by them through better or worse even if that means putting myself out their and unknowingly giving them the permission to take my love and my spirit for granted.

 

       And once you realize that, why is that not a good enough reason to leave them? Why does it feel like everything you have ever believed in is not true? How do you differentiate between real and fake. Why did this happen so soon? What happened all of a sudden?

What signs did I not recognize? What qualities do I lack?

 

       How come I couldn’t make you happy? What don’t I have that she has?

 

       And at that moment I convinced myself that each and everything in my world was you, nothing else mattered.

 

       I was wrong for that- wrong for believing that everything that happened between us was because of me. I don’t compare myself with her anymore because one year of isolation, one year of forcing myself to get up each morning- struggling to keep breathing was hard and I believe after a couple months I had adjusted to that lifestyle with no hope in myself to get back on my feet and see anything worth of my existence.

       But I kept pushing myself no matter how badly I wanted life to pause so I wouldn’t have to feel alone in my thoughts or how badly I wanted time to stop so I can thoroughly understand my feelings in order to overcome them.

 

       And I am thankful for not settling with that kind of mindset because I have learnt so much about love, support and what it really means when people say that you will get through rough moments. I am thankful that there was no pause in my life because of you. Having life go on forced me, whether or not I liked it, to keep pushing. And with patience and time I realized my worth and began learning that there is a reason behind everything and that even though peoples reasoning may hurt us, we must not limit ourselves. Most importantly, I realized that along with me, there are similar people in the world who don’t have the love they need, making them act in a way that may hurt others around them. And with time I realized that, that is okay. I allowed time to guide me through the process of forgiveness.

 

       You did not hurt me because I let you take me for granted. You hurt me because it was you who didn’t know how to love. And maybe you’ve never experienced something so real, which made you so afraid of commitment. So I hope one day you do love something with so much passion because even if it doesn’t work out in the end, you will experience the gift of wanting more for someone than they want for themselves. Being loved comes and goes in life but having the first hand experience of loving is only for the few of us.

 

       We don’t have the slightest clue of how strong we are and what we are capable of. We will get through life without reaching our fullest potential because there’s no limit to our greatness. And that is why we should never limit ourselves to the amount of happiness, sadness, love or hate we can endure. When we are left with the only option of remaining strong, we fight and maybe we never really stop fighting in our lifetime but there is beauty in our fight.

       Because our comeback from hitting rock bottom outweighs the negative influence.

      And I believe that even a small amount of happiness can outweigh any amount of sadness because the only thing that can save us, when we can’t save ourselves, is love.

 

       I don’t stop here. I will bloom and even when it is dark outside I will continue to find the sunlight.

 

October 2

Innocence

          Innocence is the state of being free from corruption and wrongdoings- it is to be naive and pure. It is usually referred to children who, from a young age, have develop their interests to suit any circumstance or condition. Children represent innocence since they act in a loving matter- giving others around them inspiration to just pause and breath. Throughout our lifetime the restrictions adults put on us scare us, and in that doing we lose our individuality and begin to fear others denial so we act upon what seems to suitable to others around us. The reality of the world is not hidden from children, simply it is our imagination coarsening as the world puts restraints on our freedom.

 

          This particular photograph reveals a moment, what seems to be somewhere in the Middle East of children freely playing and a police officer situated on guard. The background seems like a broken apartment building maybe due to bombings. If you look closely you will see that on the left side where the children are playing, it is a free open space but on the right side, behind the officer is a white fence representing lack of freedom. The officer is standing behind the wall, indirectly hiding himself from them. As he gazes around he might be thinking about a time in his life where he acted upon his own will without any fear of judgement or danger. The children in this image show us a glimpse of what it is like to have innocence and the officer with the gun shows us what it is to feel conflicted by the loss of one’s own innocence. 

         

          An example from my life representing my loss of innocence was when the words and actions of my friends and family betrayed me to understand how the world really functions. A lot of people say highschool is either good or bad and there is no in between but for me personally, I think it was junior high where I started seeing how the words of others only reflected the person they were trying to become but their actions reflect who they were. Being caught up with peoples actions and words left me feeling betrayed. The restrictions put on me by my peers, teachers and family made me want to follow mainstream in fear of being judged and looked down upon from society. It was when I believed peoples words more than their actions that made me lose the hope I had for myself. But what I have realized in seventeen years of living is that we do not handle rejection well, we tend to please everyone because we are scared. As we get older we get restraints put on our freedom, making us pick between going along with mainstream or going along with what we truly believe in. That is how our innocence gets tested and that is when we become fearful of peoples denial.

 

          Once you lose your innocence there is no way of regaining it back in its original form, instead you regain it through courage and survival. Life will hand you hardships to thrive through. Every mistake you made will give you the power to acknowledge the person you are and once you become fearless of peoples denial you will gain confidence. Innocence gets replaced with confidence.

 

          

September 30

Fear is not real.

Dreams are suppose to be your desires, your unconscious wants. But some dreams are turned into nightmares. Nightmares are what people fear the most, because these thoughts are realistic enough to scare you till you are nothing but composed of your fears. What do you fear? Is it spiders? Or heights? I myself have many fears such as failure or death. Let me tell you a little secret fear is not real. Fear is not real because fear is just a configuration made up from our minds, but danger is real because it is the external cause of your fear and it can cause physical harm to you.

As many of grade twelve’s like myself, each of us is scared of what the future may hold for us. Will we get accepted into university or not, it is a horrifying thought. But think about it we are scared of something non-existent, I am not saying that it is not real, but university is not a danger that can cause physically damage you. On top of this stress, I also have a planned surgery coming up and to be completely honest I am freaking out, scared out of my mind about the operation. I am trying to escape from this fear but we as human beings are created to feel, feel all emotions. We cannot just turn them off with a switch. These emotions stay with us until we have conquered it to realize what we have accomplished and that we had made it though the difficult times of our life. Where did I get this idea of fear is not real you ask? Well if you have seen it or not I got the saying from a movie called After Earth with Will and Jayden Smith.

Now the question here is how we can see the difference, how can we tell what our minds have created, what the world, and earth, has created? This is one of the many questions that are simple to answer yet at the same time too complicated to answer, these are ideas or thoughts that we dread to respond back to because we are terrified to admit the truth. This reminds me of the movie Inception a dream within a dream, a fear that is doubled, and a fear within a fear. Now the REAL question here is, are you terrified of the word real or the question because when put side by side does it not get you wondering about the existent of life, why, how, why not? Do not fear, it is a choice whether you decide make it or not.

 

After Earth

http://www.google.ca/imgres?um=1&hl=en&biw=1920&bih=903&tbm=isch&tbnid=kHrbJahnBO7m1M:&imgrefurl=http://www.hdwallpapers.in/after_earth-wallpapers.html&docid=dxu4kJ_uFOVFgM&imgurl=http://www.hdwallpapers.in/walls/after_earth-wide.jpg&w=1920&h=1200&ei=ItoxUumMCciCqgGjhYDoBg&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=125&page=1&tbnh=138&tbnw=221&start=0&ndsp=45&ved=1t:429,r:16,s:0,i:132&tx=195&ty=103